


"i wish i'd been like you," the enemy said.

by suffaru41



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Other, Pride/Ayamatsu If, also pridebaru's just here being a canon-typical piece of shit huh, no beta we die like natsuki subaru and all of lugunica, subaru and reinhard have such an interesting dynamic ill give them that, the boys are fightttingggg, this started as a simple drabble but my wordy ass went "no :)"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:08:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28476672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suffaru41/pseuds/suffaru41
Summary: With one trembling hand, Reinhard grabs the front of Subaru’s tracksuit and slams him against the alley wall. Subaru only eyes Reinhard with an empty, half-lidded gaze, the corners of his lips curved into a sneer.“Just what despicable act have you committed this time,” Reinhard snarls, spitting out his words like curses, one after another, even as his morals scream against his rage. “Just what else have you done? Answer me, Natsuki Subaru.”(After witnessing all of Lugunica fall, Reinhard finds himself back to that fated day at the Capital, along with the mad man responsible.)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 126





	"i wish i'd been like you," the enemy said.

With one trembling hand, Reinhard grabs the front of Subaru’s clothing and slams him against the alley wall. Subaru only eyes Reinhard with an empty, half-lidded gaze, the corners of his lips curved into a sneer. 

“Just what despicable act have you committed this time,” Reinhard snarls, spitting out his words like curses, one after another, even as his morals scream against his rage. “Just what else have you done? Answer me, Natsuki Subaru.”

 _How am I… back here? With… with_ him _._

Subaru jerks up his chin to stare back at Reinhard. “Hatred looks good on you, doesn’t it, Sword Saint?” he drawls, his hands reaching to mockingly pat Reinhard’s own hand. Like a predator, a razor sharp smile slowly spreads across his face, giddy and deranged and so, _so_ angry. “ _I_ didn’t do anything. In fact, all of Lugunica should be burned down to the ground, along with your _stupid heroism_ and _every single enemy_ that stood in Emilia’s way.”

_How dare you —_

Reinhard recoils away from Subaru, and then grits his teeth as the realization dawns on him. 

Elsa’s death at his own hands, the tears of frustration pouring down Subaru’s face, the falling of soot and ash, the cries of agony echoing throughout the entire country, Subaru’s prideful speech, his declaration that this was all for Emilia, the shard of ice that Emilia impaled through Subaru’s chest, the hatred that shook Reinhard to the core, new and terrifying all at once — the faint desire that it was him instead who ended Subaru’s repulsive life, and Emilia as the victor of the Royal Selection in the midst of all this ruin.

But the sun shines brightly in the blue sky above them, shadows casting over him and Subaru in this alleyway, and the bustling marketplace of the Capital present behind them as always. 

Somehow, deep down, the pieces all connect for Reinhard —

This is the day Reinhard fought Elsa at the loot house. 

Only… when Reinhard had first come to his senses, he awoke to find Natsuki Subaru — the rumored archbishop of Pride, the very person who orchestrated _everything_ — standing right there, in the very same strange outfit that he was killed in.

Reinhard had reacted on instinct, as Subaru’s expression had contorted into something akin to fear — before it was wiped away by cold arrogance.

“You should be _dead_ ,” Reinhard says now, tightening his grip on Subaru. “Tell me, or I will make _this_ the day of your death instead. How have we been transported back here?”

Subaru spreads his hands wide, giving a petulant shrug. His voice cracks. “Oh, I don’t have a goddamn clue, Reinhard.” 

He spits another laugh back in Reinhard’s face, but Reinhard — through one of his Divine Protections — can feel the bitterness and callous envy from Subaru, and the absolute resentment and irritation at having failed in his plans. Violent and cruel; dark feelings that gnaw at him until he can only shriek and scream. 

_Especially_ because it came as a result of circumstances outside of his control. 

And yet, Reinhard ignores the hint of despair, that hint of _humanity_ , mixed in with Subaru’s other simmering emotions. 

Instead, he surges forward to bring both of his hands to Subaru’s throat, lightly squeezing as a further threat. 

Subaru does not flinch, only stilling at Reinhard’s touch. His breath catches, and he swallows, his gaze still staring down at Reinhard as he angles his head back, his hands still limp at his sides. 

Uncaring about his death, and almost daring Reinhard to go ahead and finish him.

 _This_ is the monster who destroyed each and every person Reinhard cared about. The mad man who supposedly did it all for someone he doesn’t even know, but who also did it because of _Reinhard_.

But Reinhard couldn’t save anyone because of Subaru. Reinhard lost everything and everyone he had because of _Subaru_.

_I am… unworthy of all those I… allowed to…_

“Ever heard of... an unstoppable force colliding with an unmovable object?” With the same frustrated tears brimming in his eyes, Subaru’s breath hitches with a broken, strangled giggle. Despite himself, Reinhard’s hardened expression slackens. “You can... kill me as many times as you’d like! Again... and again… and again. And I can try to kill you as I’ve always done... tens of hundreds of thousands of times. And we can keep going around in circles, but none of us will get anywhere. You can’t _ever_ get rid of me now, Reinhard... And now we’re back to the start. From zero.”

Reinhard stiffens, his heart beating far too fast for the monster that he himself is — but then his blood boils, and his hatred rises to its peak. His grip loosens enough for Subaru to gasp and wheeze, bringing a trembling hand to his throat.

“Rub my failure in my face all you want,” Subaru hisses, raspy and self-assured in his own delusion. His chest heaves for breath, while his dead stare remains completely fixated on Reinhard. “But at the end of the day… the blood on your hands still. _Stays_.” Vicious and frenzied, his mouth curves into a grin, his teeth gritted and his jaw clenched. The sunlight brings out the dark hazel of his eyes, and the tears threatening to spill over. “You… who couldn’t save anyone, who couldn’t kill just one person! So many cried out for you to save them, so many died begging for any scrap of mercy, and you — you, you, _you_. Just left them to _rot_ . You — who can’t be saved. _You can’t be saved._ Even if you have a chance to start over now, no one will be able to comprehend that the last time you saw them, you let them all die along with _the entirety of the Kingdom of Lugunica._ ”

 _Julius and Ferris_ —

 _Father_ —

_No matter how many times I apologize, no matter how much I bring you all to justice… it will never be enough._

Reinhard could almost smell the rising smoke, along with the scent of decaying and charred flesh turning to ash. He could almost feel it clogging up his lungs and stifling his every move, as the flickering flames rage on around him.

And at the center of it all is Subaru, the person responsible, raving mad and insisting on the same nonsense.

That he’s tried to kill Reinhard over and over again, and that he loves Emilia.

It would be so easy to snap Subaru’s neck now; Reinhard would barely have to lift a finger. 

Harshly, Reinhard lets go of Subaru, who crashes to the ground with a strangled gasp. 

In this way, with Reinhard’s shadow looming over Subaru’s crumpled form, the tears finally spilling down his cheeks, Reinhard can almost see a weak, pathetic boy — instead of the witch cultist who destroyed everyone in his path, razed the entire country, and acted as if all that bloodshed and torment was something worth praising. 

“I simply refuse to let you commit the same atrocities,” Reinhard snaps. “But perhaps you are right. Perhaps I cannot lay you to rest for good. But I do not have the blessing of the Sword Saint for _nothing_ , and I will personally see to it that you will never escape from me to hurt innocents ever again.”

_To hurt… the people I care deeply about... and the people you’ve hurt as a result of your obsession._

Subaru only looks up at Reinhard with a cold smile. Resigned underneath all the layers of built up ego, underneath all those horrid hints of despair, and yet gleefully entertained at how much he’s broken the legendary Sword Saint. 

And laced through each and every semblance of that emotion, lies the same dark feeling that had spurred him to say, _I wish I’d been like you._

_I wish I'd been honest like you, been strong enough to save everyone like you._

There’s a fine line between the two of them, and as monstrous as Reinhard believes himself to be, as monstrous as he knows Subaru to be, he can only look at Subaru and see his opposite. 

A boy with so very little power, left to tremble and wallow in that darkness, until he ruins everything in the name of a mockery of love. And a boy filled to the brim with so much power that he ruins everything he dares to love, as much as he does not understand what that is. 

So softly, heartlessly, Subaru says, “Then take care of Emilia… and enjoy your newfound revenge, hero.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> you could interpret subaru here as having been through multiple loops already (which might've ended in dying very easily to reinhard, which ig also serves as a birthday present in reinhard's case, hbd reinhard you absolute disaster of a person) in this fic, resulting in deja vu bc well. when was the last time he ended up stuck in the capital with one unkillable person that he really hates (*eyes first 88 loops of the pride if*). i did put in references in this fic to another fic im nearly finished with lol, so i'll be posting another fic soon i hope.
> 
> anyway uhhh hope u have a nice day, and a thank u that everyone that supported me with my first fic. you guys are great :D


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